celeryandhummus: our kids will probably attend a middle school dance where the theme is the 2010’s they’ll wear leggings with ugg boots and twerk to “call me maybe”
zfitzgerald: I’m a nerd, but not in the useful “you’ll all be working for me one day when I invent jet packs” way. I’m a nerd in the “I have very strong opinions about history and literature and will yell them at you if you give me even the slightest opportunity” way. And that one does not pay well.
thesociallyawkwardasian: ‘please dont be gay porn’ i whisper as i scroll down tumblr in public
stealinyoman: marry a guy who has sisters because he’s seen the female in her natural state therefore won’t have any unrealistic expectations of you
partybarackisinthehousetonight: pro tip: fill the piñata with absolutely nothing to prepare your kids for the letdowns of adulthood
northernfrownpour: some people are so good at talking like they open their mouth and out comes good ideas and perfectly constructed sentences and they have confidence and everyone listens to them talk but when i talk it’s like hello morning yes butter homework wiggle book good
arkhams: hey … so,.. uhh… (looks at notecards) did you uh did …you fall out of heaven because um (drops cards) shit fuck oh god fuck im so sorry youre-youre just s o.pretty i m soryr
homleschapel: summer is real cute until every fuckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell